Another Post on Losing
I don't even know where this will end, I'm just typing this out.
Two days ago, I lost 75k trying to buy the bounce on RGTI. I still haven't recovered all my marbles from that trade. I don't really want to dissect it. I just want you to know it was F-grade trading from me and it brought me, once again, into the place I never want to be in--the fog of shame. When I'm in that state of mind, it's hard to talk to anyone. I just want to run away and forget about it. I watched a lot of TV to ease my mind, which is what compelled to write the previous post.
In some ways, this blog exists because I don't want all my readers to know every raw thought that passes through my mind when the chips are down. Not on my main blog at least. I wanted to just let myself feel whatever and then write it down--no judgments, no thoughts about writing for an audience, no strong internal editor. I'll go through all my "first order thoughts" which I define as just quick reactions. I took my loss, I shut down my comp, and all these thoughts came rushing back.
- I'm a piece of shit
- I'm embarassing myself
- I'm a total garbage trader
- I should end myself
- I want to quit forever
- I don't deserve anything good
- I'm ashamed and depressed
I can't count how many times I've put myself through this. I could have written this blog post 1000x in my life. If I wrote down all these raw thoughts as often as I felt them, you'd probably think I'm one of those down-on-their-luck types who has blown up their account 100x. I'm not. Let's just say I'm thankful my results aren't as volatile as my mind.
It's hard to talk about it. There's something there that hits deeper than the nominal amount of money that I lost. I don't know if I can untangle it. I don't know if I can ever be the person I want to be, if I can't untangle this messy part, because I'm always going to be vulnerable to shutting down.
People lose money in the markets. People get mad. Then they put themselves through the ringer with these first-order "I'm a piece of shit" thoughts... happens to us all. It's not even that interesting to write about. While I do believe it's important to discuss loss, I don't want to be a shit writer just spamming my first order thoughts. If I read another trader's blog and that's all they have to offer me, I'd just think "this guy doesn't know how to deal with life when things don't go his way." and then just move on. I don't blame you if you think the same thing and move on.
Well, now we move onto 2nd order thoughts--which are the meta thoughts about the first-order thoughts. Why do I feel the way I do and why do I find myself stuck in this negative feedback loop? Some passing insights...
- I say I hate trading... but what is that really? Markets just do what they do and trading is simply pressing a button to try to capture movements in the market. What is it about that that causes so much pain to the point of me feeling so much hate? I don't think there is any intrinsic answer there. It's not as if I suddenly believe money is the root of all evil. The truth is, I just hate myself. Trading is an extension of my professional self (we are many selves--a husband, a dad, a son, a trader, a writer, etc) and I just really hate that part of myself right now. I hate how little character I have. I hate how fragile and vulnerable I feel at the smallest sign of adversity.
- Why do I feel so fragile/vulnerable, and thus so flighty? It wasn't always that way. Let's analyze 2014 Pete. If he got punched in the mouth, he'd get back up. He'd still have those first order "I'm a piece of shit" thoughts but he'd get over it sooner and it would make him want to work harder. I've heard this called The Rage to Master. I don't know if it was ever explicitly taught to me, it just existed. I wanted to prove something. I wanted to compete. People who knew me would say I'm a competitor. I didn't want to give up. There was a sense of shame in even entertaining that idea.
- Now I feel shame in trying to stick around. It's almost as if my mind has flipped all my old values. Now 2025 Pete thinks... there's still dignity if I just quit and leave and stop embarassing myself. I should just live a low stakes life because if I try hard at anything and inevitably fail, I'm going to end up in the fog of shame again. When it gets really bad, I start dipping into nihilism--"what's the fucking point of it all?"
- Anger is coincidental. I'm always going to be at least a little angry. That's not the core problem. I used to think this was a simple tilt problem--like I'm just getting mad at a result I don't like and I need to learn how to think in probabilities again. I don't think so. This is getting more layered than I'm capable of dealing with... I almost want to say it's some form of imposter syndrome I'm going through. I harbor these fundamental beliefs that I don't belong. I'm a fake trader who got lucky. I'm a fake pool player who should just leave. I almost wrote this exact same post about pool. I had this awful match where after being down 3-0 (which is nothing), I wanted to shake my opponents hand, pack up, and leave early. I'm a fake writer who only had one good story to tell and can't go beyond that for a real writing career. There's a theme there.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish it was easy to just go through therapy and have someone tell you what to do. Sometimes I read Reddit personal problem posts and the top upvoted comment is "go get therapy" as if that solves everything. I've been to therapy on/off for the better part of the last ten years and guess what? Still here in the fog of shame. You don't think that very thought just makes me feel even more discouraged? That nothing can ever be done and nothing ever changes?
I'll leave you with one last depressing thought. Sometimes I think about ten years down the line... my daughter will be invested in something (ice skating, acting, gymnastics, chess, who knows) and try to be good at it and ultimately stumble/fail temporarily as we all do. As a dad, can I look her in the eye and tell her to keep going with real sincerity? Or will it just ring hollow, knowing I'm a cheap piece of shit who quit on his life? She's going to know if I'm lying. I hope it doesn't get to that point.