Fog of Shame
QUBT. Easy trade. It went down all day and I banked.
Oh wait. That only happened in my dreams.
The reality is this stock kicked my ass and I made a lot of unforced errors. It pushed me to a level where I'm not even angry... I'm now depressed and ashamed. I found myself in a state where I was unable to talk anyone other than the voices in my own head. I didn't want anyone to know I'm doing because I was too ashamed. I started to partake in negative actions, hoping that I could 'fix' earlier mistakes and eliminate the shame, only to compound it even worse.
The Fog of Shame.
You've seen me write angry. That's angry Pete... perfectionist who wants to trade perfect and mistakes piss him off. Shitty price aciton pisses him off. PnL swings piss him off. But these are just level I mistakes. I find the entirety of yesterday recontextualized by the trades and feelings of today. Angry Pete made a level I mistake (actively trading outside of gameplan + slow exit). It happens. But when the trading gets EVEN WORSE THAN THAT... that introduces the emotion of shame. That's level II.
We're all the main character in our own story. We think there's gonna be a happy ending. Once you traverse the hills of adversity, there is the land of glory. Glorious victory. It doesn't always end that way. Sometimes it ends with defeat. Sometimes that defeat is brought about via total self-implosion. Today I just completely broke down and I didn't even know if I could write about my loss because the fog of shame was so strong. I don't want anyone to know I'm this awful a trader. I just want to bottle it all up and pretend it didn't happen. I want to disappear and then five weeks later, I don't write anything about trading, you ask me "Pete, where did you go?" and I just say oh I took some time off. I don't want to talk about the horror show. I never wrote too much about my 2023 because there was so much shame that the standards had dropped to a level I had never seen from myself. I felt it again in May 2024 when I traded at my worst and it drove me to take a lengthy break. Just when I thought maybe I had restraint and I had learned the right lessons, here we are again.
QUBT fucking me up, a trade breakdown
Where do I begin? I'm just gonna do this from my memory.
9:30 -- I don't plan to open print it, my plan is to watch it trade for a bit and wait for high confirmation.
9:32 -- something "snaps" in me when I see a flash candle go under 17. It's very fast and FOMO inducing. It's not really a signal or important level in a macro-sense but it causes me to hit into the stock and it immediately rips against me. I try to scalp my way out of it by adding and rinsing it quickly but I don't get out of my adds properly and I puke it all out over 20. I'm already down 14k here.
The initial move to 24 -- I actually find the stock very easy to microscalp once I get the hang of it. I just hit bids and cover immediately if it doesn't go on me. I'm trading so many shares and executions, so rapidly, that I can't even properly break it down to you. That's what micro-scalping is. Please note: I DON'T WANT TO TRADE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. This is Pete 1.0 or 2020 Pete spazzing out because he's down and wants to recover back to break-even, so he regresses into madaz-style micro-scalping.
First 5minute red candle from 24 to 22 -- I was able to hit size near the top and just a quick 2 pt move nets me 14k and I'm break even. THIS IS FINE. At this point, I msg another trader in discord--I need a breather. I got lucky on this one. It's time to wait and re-evaluate. Stock is very strong.
I could just stop now. I should have just stopped and waited for a real setup. No more active trading, you got your break even.
The next 30 minutes -- I am trading 500-2000 shares. I'd make spreads. I'd hit bids and cover for small loses. I'm kind of just probing it. For consideration, I was trading around 8-12k shares when getting ripped and then micro-scalping the top to make it back.
Here's the first moment of madness where I struggle to explain my actions -- Even though I told others to be cautious because like yesterday b/c there's just way too much liquidity when I hit bids and the pullback to 20 felt like yesterday's pullback to 14... I type this out to people to SOLIDIFY it in my head to not go crazy. I had a moment of madness... the stock "twitched" from 19.5 to 21.5... and then back to 19. I'm like annoyed that it's just slowly pulling back rather than creating some reset that could maybe be used as a reference point for a lower high. I'm annoyed... not upset. But then I HIT THE BOTTOM OF THIS MOVE WITH SIZE, 18000 shares, AND DECIDED TO GIVE IT A WIDE STOP AS IF THAT WAS THE TRIGGER OF A FULL-SETUP
I don't know why I decided to let go of the wheel like that. To be so active, to trade so actively (which again, I don't even think I should be doing that but once that box is opened, it's open)... and then for one moment of madness, hit the dead low of a pullback on a controlled stock like this and not have any plan to get out.
So that's the bottom. It's almost delusion in a way... I think I'm giving it the highs and I close my PnL to not look. But then some random number--in this case it was 22--just brings me to a pain point. I puke it out over 22.
I'm now down 48,000. THIS IS HORRIBLE. Maybe the worst decision I made all year or at least a contender. I'm not angry... I'm just stunned at myself. I can't believe I did that. I did that AFTER I recover my early mistake too... God gave me the quick recovery and I spat in his face.... why?
One hour later... I'm wrestling the demons again. Do I try to get back in? Do I wait fo tomorrow? Should I punt entirely? There is no setup at this point. I am just fixated on the mistake I made--it's my obsession.
I get back in at 21. 15000 shares. A full point and change under my exit above 22 just an hour ago. There is NO setup to get back in, no change in the context, I am just so scared of this uncertainty of not knowing how I'll get back in and how I'll handle myself if this stock turns. I don't even think it's likely the stock turns but I do it anyway. I convince myself to give this position until the end of the week and give it 10 points of room.
It's delusional. I say I'm going to X amt of pain but I can only take a fraction of it before getting out. Again, a random number causes me to realize I'm in a bad emotional state and that I shouldn't be doing this. In this case, 23.74. I'm out again. Now I'm down 88,000 in the stock. Then I just went to bed to scroll my phone in the dark, trying to digest everything that happened. It ended up being my last trade.
These are just unforced errors. I don't know how to justify them. I don't know how to fully explain them but I'm trying my best. They cause me a lot of shame. When I think about telling someone about the loss and I feel this sharp pang that says 'don't tell them about it, just hide'--that's the shame. speaking. It's such a strong feeling and when I'm trading DURING THAT FEELING--nothing good can happen. All bets are off and I break all the rules and I can no longer act in my self interest. The only proper solution is eject immediately.
Never trade under the fog of shame. All bets are off. Just walk away. Don't let any symbol become a Moby Dick, this obsession where you try to catch the eventual mean reversion. It's never worth it. I deserve to take my medicine. Only now as I write this am I maybe finding clarity. I always knew this darker part of me existed and I had to avoid it. I didn't know how to fix it but I tried to be PERFECT to avoid it... and now here it is, again. Is it possible to fix? I don't know.
I can contextualize this loss and say "oh it's only a small part of my YTD profits." or *"oh it's only a few basis points overall or eh I've done worse, others have done worse." but fuck that. This is not acceptable.
Anyway QUBT beat me. The fight is over and I'm done for the year. All throughout this week I kept thinking "you could just never trade this QUBT again and never care and be HAPPY" and I just couldn't let myself listen. I need a huge reset. I'm talking about deleting every app, uninstalling every trading platform, wiring out all the money, I need a reset and I don't care how long it takes. I never need to place another trade ever again in my life and I'd probably be happier for it.
(I stopped writing as of 5:10 EST but may go back to update this. it's not even proofread so sorry)