Not sure where to go from here
Hi friends. I've been off on vacation for the better part of the last month, came back on Saturday. Yesterday I didn't do anything but clean my home, make homemade meals, and be a dutiful parent/husband. I felt focused and refreshed. Today was my first day back at a screen at the 9:30 open. I wasn't really ready to do anything other than watch the markets and do some research today.
Well, I didn't like the person who came to the screen. Unfocused, checked out, and maybe afraid (in a subdued/repressed way). I had a long-term position that I bought a few days ago off a friend's alert. I had no problem accepting this risk while observing from 5000 miles away. Then I decided to watch every tick of it today (it had a news gap up today)... and once it sold off and went red, I panic sold it near the bottom (for a small gain, it wasn't a loss). Then I got into a spiral of checking that particular stock on/off for the next hour, wasting my time, building anxiety, and wondering why the fuck am I doing this, again? All the negative feelings of self-disgust washed over me at once. And it was like I never left.
This is an untenable situation. I’m the worst version of myself. I can't shake this thought that it's just time for me to move on from trading on a permanent basis. You don't want to just show up and instantly feel like garbage--I'm failing an obvious litmus test here. There's no purpose, no drive, not even the customary low bar of "do the job and leave" is there at the moment. And this is all after a long layoff where one is supposed to renewed.
So yeah--unsure what to go from here. Don't expect much on my main blog either--writing brain has been totally dead. Hope you're all killing it.