Never short stocks overnight (DON'T READ THIS POST)
Just don't do it.
Just a great way to end a trade--$60k giveback from the afterhours bottom on a move that makes zero sense.
I think I'm supposed to hold through this and wait to see if the open can erase the gap versus hold but I'm too weak willed and I'm gonna take the shitty exit that marks the pre-market top into supply or whatever you want to call it. FUCK.
Just when I feel I'm making progress in changing my negative attitude in trading, this feels like the last thing I need. It feels like a bad beat I don't deserve. I won't trade today because of that alone, too tilted and the stock is in WTF-territory in terms of behavior. I'm gonna be thinking about my shitty exit the rest of the month, holy fuck. I just rage quit all my platforms.
7:25am update It's so damaging what one bad move can do to me when the stakes are elevated (trading A+ setup type of size). I'm not handling this well. I'm still mad. I keep hitting myself in the head. I threw a bunch of clothes while screaming into my fists. Luckily I didn't wake anyone up. I'm so fucking tired of doing this. I can't believe I fucking talked myself into swinging 3000 shares and dealing with 4am bullshit. I can't believe I actually covered the top of that dumb fucking 4am spike. I didn't even have a coffee yet, what in god's earth am I doing making any decisions at all--holy fuck I am not cut out to be a professional trader anymore. I don't even want to analyze anything anymore, I just want to shut down. That trader part of the brain--I want to uninstall it for a month, maybe forever, I don't know. Thinking is just pain right now.
There's ripple effects. I'm going to be waking up 4 weeks from now seeing CRCL at $150 or $100 and it's going to give me nightmares where I just got out. Then the tilt seeps into my brain and I'm gonna punt $20k into the ether on random bullshit because I'm at peak nihilism. FUCK.
8:48am update I dropped off my daughter at day care. Then I went to Trader Joe's. I bought a big cowboy steak. I'm going to prep the steak for lunch, work out, and then cook the steak. I don't want to check the CRCL price. I just don't.
BY THE WAY, I'M STILL REALLY FUCKING MAD AND I'M GOING TO TRY TO EXPLAIN WHY, IN BULLET POINT FORM, PLEASE STOP READING IMMEDIATELY.
I feel wronged. I feel like it's not just fucking fair that I had to suffer through so much whipsaw, all those v-shape bounces, then finally catch the move, and I'm being patient and it looks good in afterhours for deeper targets and then 4am, WTF is that? Who can even explain that? Why haven't we banned pre-market trading??? Why did they have to come with the exact fucking move like that to make me feel like a fool and snatch my hard-earned/hard-fought position where I feel like I showed so much character just to make it as far as I did? Obviously it's because markets DGAF and are just random and fuck everything.
I feel weak. So what if that move happened? Why didn't you just hold for the open and evaluate the price action then, you piece of shit? You know this 4am bullshit happens ALL THE TIME. It's meaningless. You haven't even had a cup of coffee yet. Why are you reacting? Is it because you can't handle a minimum amount of heat on size? You're a pretender. A joke. Can't call yourself a professional trader when you take yourself out on 4am price action like that. LOSER. Why did you give in? It's going to be $180 by Friday. IDIOT.
I feel insulted. I'm on this Discord that shares various tweets of high profile traders, often times trading the same high flying momentum stocks that I do. I don't even follow these people. I otherwise like the Discord but HATE when I have to involuntarily read these half-baked callouts by these idiot cocksuckers or some little faggot's PnL about how it's his best day ever hurhurhur. I don't even log onto twitter while trading anymore unless to check sports, I fucking hate everyone's opinion. I want to live and die by own sword. Whatever. 99% of the time I DGAF. But when the wounds are so fucking raw and you have to read COCKSUCKING PIECE OF SHIT say "oh I knew it was going to gap up at 4am", it's just fucking insulting. No YOU DID NOT KNOW SHIT. FUCK YOU. Feels personal at this point.
I can't believe I let myself feel happy. I was just feeling great yesterday. Letting myself feel good that I caught a nice trade on a hard stock. Listening to music. Never, ever feel happy about trading.
I can't believe I fooled myself into thinking it was different. I am not in a good place in trading. Long-term. I'm just not. It's a dark place and it's been dark for a very long time. Pnl, good trades, they don't fix it at this point. I was saying positive shit to myself like hang in there and you're more than just a trader (identity wise, like a gratitude thing) and it's okay if this is a loss and it seemingly was keeping my psyche in the game and now it all feels like a big joke again. Yup, I knew it. All the COPE stuff--it's fake. Not real. Doesn't work when things get to extremes. I want to uninstall trader.exe from my brain. Everytime I think about my covers, I get so angry again. I literally went home from grocery shopping and then start chucking my keys and my hat at the wall. My trade ended like 4 hours ago, GET OVER IT, OH MY GOD.
Things get so meta, I'm constantly having these arguments and conversations with myself. I start questioning why I'm even trading if it makes this miserable and I already have my fuck you money. I should just dump all my money into pre-IPO tech stocks and be a full-time investor. That way I never have to see mark to market price until it goes 5-10x at IPO.
Why am I even writing all this? BTW if you're reading this, you better keep it a secret from me, DO NOT BRING THIS UP.
11:11am update I didn't even open my platform at 9:30. Knew I'd be pissed. Knew if I chase back in 10 points lower, I'd be pissed. I knew I covered the top like an asshole when I absolutely needed to let the stock open and see.
I fucking knew it. Someone texted me "I'm gonna buy CRCL near 200" FUCK
I'm on the ellipitcal. Hurdurhur working out is such a HEALTHY way to get all that anger out right!?!? I'M STILL ANGRY GODDAMNIT
I want to send my phone into the television at screen at 100mph. I think about all my neighbors thinking I'm the world's biggest psycho and I refrain.
I do something I haven't done in months. I put on gloves and work on heavy bag. I don't give a shit about my shitty jab form, I just throw. I feel like the anger doesn't vent, it actually grows stronger. I'm so mad I want to scream. My last punch might've fucked up my wrist so I quit. I go home and lock my door and scream as loud as I can for the 34th time today. Some mistakes you know you pay the rent in your head for a long time. FUCK
I'm just yelling into the ether. I've reflected on why anger stays with me so long. I think it's because there's a part of me that does not feel heard. I vent to people about how negative I feel about trading, I don't feel heard... like they'll just tell me I'm still profitable or something. IDK I'm trying to work through a metaphor here, it's like I worked so hard to create this fine painting, then I come back and I see a huge chunk defaced and ripped off. i'm like "who did this? WTF??? Then here comes the worst part... I learn I did that.
I guess I'm writing all this in full stream of consciousness mode because I want to feel heard. Like maybe someone out there exists who knows my pain. I'm not just talking about this trade, I'm talking about my thousands of trades in entire 15-year trading career. Hell, maybe my entire life beyond that. This moment isn't just this moment. There's been too many of these moments and I've actually refrained from writing about it on this raw a level because I just know people will judge the wrong way. Oh look at this guy with his trading success being all mad, what a clown. That's why I said DON'T READ THIS. Goddamnit. I'm not built like those happy-go-lucky cocksuckers who post their 1mil loss with multiple emoji's. Can I please just uinstall trader.exe in my brain, just until I'm ready to move on?
Why did I cover the top like an asshole? Some things just jolt me into action. I don't know why. I just see and act. It's not even fear, at least I don't think it's fear. It's more like... neurosis. It just annoys me too much. It's ridiculous. I'm so committed to serious risk for like an entire day and then I wake up and undo all of that commitment with one thoughtless action and then I'm mad the whole day. What the fuck.