I think I'm done doing this.
I think I'm done with day trading. I can't take the anxiety and stress anymore. I was half-assing it for a bit and toying with the idea of being a long-term investor and swing trader for about 1.5 months now. I hadn't really tried to trade like Pete 1.0 for awhile, shorting high fliers and parabolic's and what not. Until the last couple days. It didn't end well. Not a disaster worth writing about but I think today is the final straw--I don't think it's acceptable to put myself in this position again. There aren't enough positive reasons to continue. I guess money was the motivation but I'm already rich so I don't give a fuck. Money as the only motivation works when it's easy, it falls apart quickly when I'm not sharp and fucking up the pooch.
It just ruins the whole day. That feeling of having messed up to the point where you can't recover. My kid smiles or laughs, I feel nothing. My wife makes me lunch, I feel nothing. I lie in my bed hoping I can sleep it off but I just end up reading bullshit on my phone for a couple hours. I'm sitting here wondering why I'm stuck to my computer, why I can't just go outside and feel the calm autumn breeze on my face. I want to talk to someone but I don't know who. I want to yell (or cry) but I'm all out of energy. I can't even get the catharsis of anger. It's all just silent dread, waiting for it to be over. It's been over for hours and I'm still worked up. Should I watch a movie? Eat a greasy sandwich? Play some pool? Nothing will make me feel better. How can I make myself feel so unhappy when the Dodgers are four wins away from another championship? This is insane.
All for what? I don't even care about this anymore. It's reflected in my complete and utter lack of preparation or process each day. I tried to care about "self-reinvention" (Pete 2.0) but it just doesn't stick. It's just really hard to change bad habits I've built for a whole decade, like micro-managing positions and making ultra concentrated bets. Trying to be Mr. Composure steering the wheel from 5000 ft above requires a level of commitment that I currently do not have. I have zero juice right now for writing about trading or markets, so if you think that's the way to go--sorry bud, that well has been drained.
I think I'm just scared of being retired at 36 and not knowing what to do. It's been a good run. 2009-2025, not a single losing year. Sixteen years. I should celebrate it. Raise a banner, have a glass, let the dream finally die.