Feel like trading rots my brain
Trading rots my brain. I can feel it. I find my reward system totally broken when I'm at my screens looking at quotes.
Random feelings:
- Jealous. People posting their positions, their Pnl. Feeling enthusiastic about risk in a way I haven't in a long time.
- Sped up mind. Watching volatile stocks move and feeling like I have constantly be having a read on my stock even when it's absurdly fast. Feeling inadequate when I can't quite get there.
- Lack of gratification leaves this whirly/swirly feeling in the mind. I'm waiting for a position to resolve. I probably have too much size on it which is why I haven't left my screen. There isn't even anything to do. So I start hyper scrolling, I pick at my nails, I overstimulate myself and try to numb the stress a bit.
- Tired. Too much of feeling 2/3 leads to fatigue. I need a stim pack my body back to life. I feel like a slave to the screen.
- Worry. I'm worried about the worst case scenario. Sometimes the worry worse than the worst case scenario itself. You just want it to be over. Very similar to waiting for your shitty down-on-their-luck sports team to fuck it up. Just end it already.
- Emptiness. Even if things work out your way, it doesn't feel good anymore. It's just expected after you do this for a long time. Even if you're on a losing streak, you tell yourself a you're a shit trader.... it still feels very expected to make money.
- Nihilism. Nothing matters. Nothing matters at all. Just make money and your shitty process, your shitty emotions = they never mattered at all. What is the point of trying?
I'm going to keep updating this. Can you tell right now what kind of a mood I'm in?
Once this election week ends I'm going back to retirement. Fuck this.