Conversations about risk
I've been wanting to write a post about the mindset of increasing risk or "getting bigger" as my old manager Victor likes to phrase it. I have a lot of resistance to it, even though it's supposed to be what a trader wants. I just couldn't find the right way to put it into words, so instead I'll just copy and paste a discord conversation I had with a young developing trader (YDT) in a discussion after the MSTR trade wrapped up.
Pete: theres a lot of room for growth for me, i just dont have the desire so i dont want to press the other way and get mad/depressed/disinterested when it doesn't work out
YDT: do you think thats because u are slowly just caring less and less about the game or because due to tight risk management you feel like ur not making enough for the time and effort u put in?
personally seeing u take 100-200k gains out of market is wild but do you think if u were pushing urself for like 300-400-500k you would be more interested + feel a bit more motivated ?
i could be way off and this just has nothing to do with it but i figured id still ask
Pete: i dont like thinking about pushing myself for more size its something that puts me into an anti-zen state... like wanting too much
it kinda happens naturally. for whatever reason i wanted to make 200k here rather than 100k
i didnt even think much about it, i refuse to tbh
i refuse to go on twitter and see pnl posts
i try to think im not part of that world anymore
YDT: okay so vs pushing more size
you just want to literally "trade better"
GET GOOD like u would say
that is what would make u a bit happier
you just wanna do better but the motivation is hard to find and it can be hard because if you over commit it can get super depressing ..
Pete: i do my job its good enough im out it doesnt change my life
yeah do better as a trader, thats it
YDT: gotcha i figured thats what it would come down to
you have high standards for yourself and just want to preform better and make more money that way
not just RiSk MoRe for MoaR Moneyzzz
Pete: you know, at mbc, that became the culture.... like everyone wanted to be a guy who pushes size, thinks about pushing more size, doing worksheet and visualization exercises for pushing more size on their best trades
i remember being back there in 2018 bc clockwork invited me to have a beer, and talking to all the kids who hadnt made a dime yet and theyre puffing themselves up about trading 100k shares just to do it
it made me kinda sick tbh
like internally i was shaking my head
like i get it??? and if it works for you that way, that's awesome dont let me stand in your way
but i want NO part of that
once upon a time i was a young gun "about that life" and now im not anymore
CHAT END.
In short, I just don't ever want to consciously think about adding risk or pushing the envelope in any way. Like I don't wake up in a given day thinking "oh I make 100k usually on these, now let's bump it up to 500k." I think it creates a bad mindset for someone like me who has a volatile temper and mood while trading. Sometimes risk bump can happen organically and just sort of happens without much thought and this is probably the only way it can work for me.